Often when I sit down to type a new entry the words take over. It's difficult for my fingers to keep up with my thought process. Then there are those times when I sit for ages-collecting my thoughts, editing and filtering the emotions I want to convey-second guessing how you, the reader, will process the jumble in my head and heart. I watch the cursor blink, almost as though it is anticipating and encouraging me.
This week I had another opportunity to meet a parent of a special needs child. We talked for awhile, swapping stories, banding about medical jargon that most first year residents have yet to learn. Realizing we couldn't talk forever, we exchanged numbers and emails, promising to keep in touch. Her parting line? "You just seem to have it so together."
Everyday we go about our hectic lives. We ask people, "How are you?"
But, we never seem to make eye contact. We miss the unspoken words. No one really wants to know that you are in the midst of a nasty divorce. Worried about losing your job. Anxiously awaiting test results that could change your life forever. Living, waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. We care when it's convenient.
Because of that, you hear people give answers that glide effortlessly off the tongue. No thought involved-"Oh, God's getting me through it. Piece of cake. Mind over matter-if I don't mind, it doesn't matter." Everyone has a saying they use, fully knowing that when someone asks, "How are you?" they really mean, "How can I be polite without getting too involved?"
While we are fortunate to have this website, it's so easy for us to fall into that groove. Duck and weave. Play the game, get out and don't get hurt. Just say what people want to hear, meet their expectations. To the outside world, we have it all together-but we know the truth.
God has it all together.
We aren't accepting of the fact that 'God will never give us more than we can bear,' (Is that actually in scripture?). In fact, we know that He wants to break us, make us dependent on Him. His grace is sufficient to care for all our needs while He teaches us to be strong in Him.
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
Anyone that knows me at all, knows that I am controlled chaos at best. I'm like the Tasmanian Devil. Aaron's the calm, before my storm.
I was reminded again this week to let go of pride. Allow people to see me. Not some fabricated person derived of other's expectations. I'm so weak. I struggle daily to balance being a wife, friend, daughter, sister, mother. Guilt gets the better of me as I raise my girls. I wonder if I left the oven on and have to drive back home to check, when I'm already fifteen minutes late. I get tired of wearing the same three dresses to church. I fight with my husband, realizing midway into an argument that not only am I wrong, but I'm now going to have to apologize...who likes to do that? I worry how many more winters/illnesses Rylee will make it through. I push the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. I allow Ryann to use the 'ten second rule' forgetting that we now have a dog. I get angry at the agencies and vendors I have to deal with-wondering if things will ever get easier. When company unexpectedly arrives, I shove dirty dishes into the oven with the speed and agility of a cheetah. I have taken store bought macaroni salad, put it in a pretty dish, sprinkled it with paprika and passed it off as my own...at a church dinner! (grin-thanks for that trick-Mom!)
It's not that I have it all together. It's that I've learned to hide it better.
Which I've suddenly realized isn't an accomplishment to be proud of.
We want you to see a family that is learning, and growing. Learning daily to love unconditionally, no holding back, no regrets. A family that makes mistakes and tries to learn from them. A family centered on reflecting His glory and grace.
The next time you ask someone, "How are you?"
Look them in the eyes and listen with your heart and ears.
They may just be waiting for someone to see them...really see them...and care.
Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache,
will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty?
Do I let it show, does anybody know?
But God sees the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause He sees the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But He sees the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause He sees the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I am so glad that I'm yours
Cause you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, Beautiful is what He sees
When He looks at me
song, 'The Real Me' - Natalie Grant
