Christmas...

December snuck up on us this year. We just put up our tree this year, and I've yet to attempt the mall mayhem. Holidays honestly are bittersweet for us. While so very thankful for the time and memories made with each of our girls...always in the back of our mind is the wee one that has passed. While we only held her for seven days before God completed His perfect plan and called her home to rest, I held her under my heart, felt her move for much longer. I prayed for her, for our family-my mommy heart cried out with a desire to keep her, to know her, to love her...knowing fully that she would also have this devastating disorder. Many people forget that we had another little girl-while the daily reminders linger here. The smell of Johnson's & Johnson's on Rylee, Ryann talks of her sissy in Heaven-during night time prayers saying in her little six year old voice, "Oh yeah Jesus, hug sissy Kaymaen and tell her we love her lots but that we are doing okay and we're glad she's running around up there driving you crazy." Hanging ornaments that we bought for her the Christmas before her birth, occasionally coming across a tiny sock or onesie that was lost in a dresser drawer. For us time hasn't healed completely, but it has allowed God to teach us better to cope and how to find Him in the storms of our life.
Most families will tell you the loss of a child is ever present. People assume this means you dwell on it, obsess on those 'what could have beens', that you have no closure, that your sorrow is all encompassing. But what they really mean is-they don't want to forget the importance of having that person in their life...no matter how long or short that time was.
I wish I could tell you we've arrived. But we haven't.

Here's what I can tell you-we cling daily to the promise that "joy comes in the morning" and that He is here with us. And each day that we wake up, we discover that His mercies are new and perfect. We love the verses about Elijah (1 Kings 19) fearing for his life, hiding in a cave (obviously forgetting chapter 18!)-searching and waiting for God. As he stood at the cave entrance he learned quickly that God wasn't in the wind, the earthquake, the fire...but in the quiet, still whisper.

"Be still and know that I am God;..." Psalm 46:10

While we gear up for the Christmas season, get caught up in the hustle and bustle of holiday sales, spend time wrapping presents that will be ripped up in seconds, address Christmas cards, attend parties and visit family, learn the last refrains of the church cantata...

...remember that the holiday season is a time to celebrate God made man, in the flesh, dwelling amongst us. The scriptures and promises of the old testament, brought to life. What was written then still applies today in every situation in your life, in our life. He isn't in the wind of worry and weariness....as life circumstances shake the earth around you...as the fire intensifies and closes in around you...

He's there. In the quietness. Waiting for you.
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

We've found Him. In the stillness of a hospital room praying over Rylee. In the quiet hours of the morning watching Kaymaen's spirit pass from our hands to His. Pushing sweaty hair back from Ryann and Rylee's faces as they dream and breathe deeply. In Ryann's deep laughter, head thrown back, no cares in the world-childish giggle while being tickled. When Rylee sighs loudly during a sermon, seeming to anticipate the invitation...and getting out of her wheelchair! As Aaron and I sit on the couch, snuggled up together, the only lights coming from the Christmas tree. He's here.

He knows us by name. He has plans to prosper us. He has called us according to His purpose. He continues to bless us daily. He sends us the right people at the right time-medical professionals, friends, families, strangers-to encourage us.

So while the holiday season is bittersweet, it's also a reminder to stop, be still, and listen. And that our joy is in the Lord-we can remember and miss someone but we have the joy of knowing that we will see her again in Heaven.

We reflect on the wonderful year of memories we've celebrated together, we are more thankful for the miracles in our life-a Godly marriage, an active personal heart knowledge of Christ, additional time with Rylee and small improvements in her overall health, Ryann learning and growing into a compassionate, inquisitive little girl.

We are so thankful for His leading in our life. Thankful for each of you who regularly check in on us and have become faithful prayer warriors on our behalf.

Merry Christmas to all...