In memory of our Kaymaen Shae March 2nd thru March 9th, 2006In two years, we've discovered that time does not heal. Time only allows God to teach you how to deal with your loss. My heart still skips a beat when I see a mom at a restaurant, church, the shopping mall-cradling her small child. I smile softly, making eye contact with the mother, not daring to really look inside the small pink blanket. While I'm blessed and honored to have the opportunity to help families in NICU and PICU...it takes my breath to see that tiny baby and all the monitors and medical equipment. The smells and sounds immediately take me back to our hospital stays.
I still don't understand why we couldn't keep Kaymaen, but I know we made the right decision to let her pass away here at home, peacefully. I know in my heart, that even though I knew she had this devastating disorder, I wanted her desperately, wholeheartedly. Didn't care that we would have two special needs children. Didn't care that she would depend totally on me for all her needs. All that mattered was she was ours. She had Rylee and Ryann's chubby little chin and cheeks, her Daddy's long tapered fingers.
In the middle of the night, while sitting quietly with Rylee, listening to her breathe - I recall that week with Kaymaen. How I felt holding her. How tiny her nine and a half body felt compared to Rylee and Ryann. I think of how Ryann was so excited and thrilled to have "Bob Hallelujah" (as she named her during the pregnancy) home, and how she wanted to hold her all the time. Taking pictures of the girls together, how big RyleeBug looked compared to her new little sister.
But I also remember the peacefulness of having her here. I remember when she took her last breathe in my arms. I think of our girls' specialist, Dr. Jones coming to the house at 2am to take care of everything. I remember our friend, Ernie Hall, whose family owns the funeral home-standing here in our home, tears running down his face as he tried to encourage us, yet all the while he was thinking of his three little girls-the same age as our own. I remember the funeral service. The memorial service that Sunday-the outpouring of support and love from our friends and family. A feeling of relief that she was safe in Heaven, not in pain never to know fully the struggle and effects of NKH.
For me, the important thing is I remember. All of it. I was so afraid I'd forget something important-the feel of her lying in my arms, the smell of Dreft and Johnsons & Johnsons. For me, healing has come from the remembrance. Healing has come as I hold Rylee and care for her needs. Healing comes when Ryann puts her tiny hand in mine and says, "Mom I was just thinking of Kaymaen. I bet she's eating ice cream all the time and lives in a castle just like Cinderella's."
To all our friends, family, church family, strangers who have become part of our heart through this site...Thank you, for praying, for caring, for continuing to check in on us.
I cannot honestly say that my heart will never not ache for my little one. But I can say that God has really given us a "peace that passes all understanding." And we now live our life honoring Him and honoring the life of our girls-trying to make a difference.
Please pray for us this week as we go about our day, taking care of the mundane ordinary things in life-tucking in girls, playing dress up, giving baths, and throwing spa parties-things which now seem extraordinary. Pray that we will never grow ungrateful, hard hearted. Pray that God grows us up more in Him because of our life circumstances, not in spite of. Pray as we teach Ryann and care for Rylee. Pray God will continue to put the right people in our lives, at just the right time. Pray that He will use us in some way to impact others.
Thank you for remembering Kaymaen with us.
We love you sweet baby and miss you so much...but know we will see you again.
God's Masterpiece
"For Thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Thy works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from Thee, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Thine eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Thy book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." Psalm 139:13-16
11 comments:
Tears flow from my eyes today for you! I know what you are going through. We, too, lost a child, but not to NKH. Take care and will be praying for your strength and peace this week.
Blessings,
Shari
Precious Kaymaen, a beautiful gift from GOD. This sweet baby's face has captivated my heart from the moment I saw her picture. May your hearts find joy in rememberance of Kaymaen's birth and the beautiful memories made. I just know that she and Hunter will be having a birthday party in heaven tomorrow. You are in our prayers always, but especially this week. We love you.
The Carter's
KAYMAEN will NEVER be forgotten... Thank you for the sweet sweet comment.... it brought tears! You know what a baby I am! God has used you and your family in such a great way and is certainly not done with you guys. I look forward to seeing all the girls grow up!! Love you all! Aunt Beth
Kaymaen, you will never be forgotten! Your Mom, Dad and two sisters love you so very much! There are many other hearts that you touched as well. We pray that God gives your parents and sisters extra strength this week and that they are able to celebrate in their own way to remember the special times that you all had together.We know that you are up there having a great party!
~The Fitzpatricks
Keeping you in our prayers always
We love you all very much
Sally and Danielle
Kaymaen you will never be forgotten! Deborah you have been on my mind lately. I know that Kaymaen and Ryan are having the BEST birthday party. I miss and love you guys! If you need anything you know how to reach me. Love you guys!
Sarah
That is such a sweet picture. Even though we did not get to meet her we will never forget her. She has a beautiful family who has allowed God to use them. You are living testimony. I am praying that God will comfort you this week and every week. You are a blessing.
Love you!
Amie Jo
Sweet baby Kaymaen, I will never forget seeing you kick in your mommys tummy and having little Caylan jump inside of me when we touched your mommys belly. You are always in my thoughts and one day we will get to see your beautiful face. Your life taught me so much and I thank you for that.
We love you
Sarah and Caylan
I remember...
I remember praying through your pregnancy for this little baby that you carried - that no matter what was to come that we all would remember that God was in control.
I remember getting on Rylee's page, day after day, wondering if there would be news about you & if you had delivered yet. I could hardly wait to hear her name - I was just sure it would be a "Ry" name - I wondered what it would possibly be.
I remember finally hearing the news that Kaymaen had arrived & how happy I was for you all.
I remember getting on the Rylee's page again - sometimes several times a day hoping to hear if you all were home yet & how you & the newest Davis gal was doing. I couldn't stand not knowing & posted a message on your page saying - "I know the Davis' don't have time to post messages right now but can someone let us know if they are home & how they are doing?" You know me - patience isn't one of my best attributes!
I remember how I felt when your Mom took the time to send me an email (I am still blessed by the fact that she did) to let me know that yes you all were home & making the most of every single family minute you possibly could. She said that you all coveted the prayers of those who cared for you all that God's will would be done & for strength & courage to face the uncertain future.
I remember, the first time I saw the precious picture that you have posted with this blog. It literally took my breath away. I felt like I had never laid eyes on a more beautiful child in my life - I still feel that way - she is a real beauty.
I remember feeling like I had the breath knocked out of me when I heard that Kaymaen had passed away. My heart was broken for you & Aaron.
I remember coming to the memorial service on Sunday to celebrate Kaymaen's life. Watching you & Aaron walking hand in hand down the aisle to the front of the church, the videos, hearing you sing "God's Masterpiece", the pastor opening the altar to anyone that needed to pray and you & Aaron being the first to go and all of the people that surrounded you that day. I remember speaking to you all as I left & through it all you still had a smile on your face and that giggle in your voice that is so endearing being sure that we all knew how much it meant to you all that we came. What you didn't know is how much it meant to us that you all let us be there with you. I just needed to know that you were okay. When I left that day - I had a peace come over me that God was going to comfort you & use you in a way that we could never imagine & that He has done.
I guess more than anything, I want you to know that - I remember & always will.
Love, Trish
Oh Deb how my heart aches for you! Claire was born March 8th and I look at her and think of Kaymaen. Always know that every birthday Claire has we will think of Kaymaen safe in His heavenly arms. We WILL remember. Love you guys.
Missy Davidson
I was looking for a friend's little girl who has Neuroblastoma and came across this beautiful baby Kaymaen. I am pregnant now and seeing what you had to go through breaks my heart and puts me in tears everytime. She is such a beautiful Angel and I'm glad that a sweet little baby like Kaymaen will be in heaven watching over people in need. Baby Jack and I will pray for your family.
- Savanna
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